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by Nick Winchester | April 6th, 2017 under Big Bend Blog » Big Bend Blog Highlight

Quarterly additions to Lang’s greatest wits list

By STEVE LANG

“I love criticism just so long as it is unqualified praise.” – Noel Coward

“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.” – Dorothy Parker

Thanks again to my readers – who have reached the dozens when falling for the old “free prize” subliminal message – days of empty thoughts and deadline droughts are covered.

Once again, I submit the quarterly additions to my greatest wits list. When laughing at oneself, company is always appreciated.

On Turkey Trot (a late addition): “This one is so good I jumped on a road trip to Iron River. Bought a 17-lb turkey at the Iron River Co-op grocery store. Made the return trip to Port Wing in temperature of 17-below, with the wind howling at 25-30 Northeast. Fired up the heat and put that bad boy in the oven. Laurie said I should have thawed it out first. Guess that caused some kind of problem with our oven. The fire department just left. Apparently, they are not particularly fond of nuisance calls at 17-below, with the wind howling at 25-30 mph from the northeast. And so it goes.”

On Retirement fears: “The best advice I received upon retirement was to never underestimate the value of the afternoon nap.  Words of wisdom. The afternoon nap allows one to pass time without disturbing anyone else, it allows one to stay up in the evening past 9 p.m., one is well rested for the strenuous activates of happy hour, and the mind in the afternoon comes up with an amazing amount of weird ideas and potential ways to get in and out of trouble as one drifts off.”

“The last man standing cannot play checkers.”

On Mail: “It takes three shots to sight in a new rifle or break in a keeper wife.”

“My old (highly skilled) carpenter/exhibits builder at the Wichita Falls Museum & Art Center, upon trying to help him with some task, told me, ‘get away from that hammer, boy.  You know you don’t know anything about machinery.’ We seem to have some of the same (non)skill sets.”

“How our focus changes, ever so gradually, as we enter this interesting phase of life.”

On Remembering work: “Insurance worked out for me, but only because Oprah refused

to invite me on her show to promote my books.”

“I worked on the same farm, doing the same chores, 10 years later for a $1 a day.  What the hell kind of scam was Doug running? I did probably eat more then you, though, so whatever. I have to tell my very best Floyd story. Floyd was very proud and always promoting the virtues of Lowry, MN.  Lowry Appreciation Day arrived and Floyd was excited and eager to get into town to celebrate.  Over breakfast he was talking up a storm when I asked, ‘Why is he so excited about Lowry Depreciation Days?’  I believe that was the shortest breakfast Dagney ever served.”

“I thought I had worked at interesting jobs, but you topped me with your Kool-Aid Display assembly. “

“One day soon we need to compare past occupations. Going into the museum racket required a number of useless skills also.”

On V.C. Johnson: “I was too young to appreciate all that the last time I was in Johnsonville.”

“Barks of a snarling pit bull can also keep you in stitches.”

On Back and forth on the ranch: “Not bad. You managed to stretch the Pope joke into almost a full page.”

“Great story, loved every word and I’m sure it was all true!”

Story filed under: Big Bend Blog

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